I never really gave the act of birth much thought, I just always knew I wanted children.
I wanted 3 children. I thought that was a good amount. G-d had other plans and I spent the better part of 10 years trying to get pregnant using all sorts of methods. It just wasn't happening. I decided that in-vitro was not for me. I wanted natural or not at all. I became adamant. I turned to acupuncture and food & diet change. I changed my lifestyle completely for about a year. Still nothing. I finally gave up.
In my new healthy state, I decided that I would live solo and travel the world. Enjoying the freedom of not having another to care for. I would indulge completely! As I was going over these adventurous plans, I began really feeling strange, unusually strange & sure enough, I was FINALLY pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After everything I had done, after all the years of "trying" it finally came to fruition! It was good organic food, specific food and acupuncture that prepared my body for implantation. I was beyond!
I realized right then that I would do everything naturally. Clearly, that was what was needed to have success.
I began watching all the movies and reading everything I could find on natural birth. The Business of Being Born, Orgasmic Birth, Pregnant in America, there are quite a few great resources on the topic. Do your research! There are so many options, from natural in the hospital to natural alone in the forest. I saw women giving birth in lakes, pools, hospitals, every place you can think of. Hmmmm...
Continuing on the natural and organic path that had gotten my body to a place where pregnancy was even possible, I wanted a natural birth & to be at home. I loved the idea of a natural water birth at the foot of my bed. That was my goal. It did not go over well with some people who loved me. They were worried, said I was too old, had to be in the hospital, should order a c section. I told them that "If the midwives say it's good, then I believe them, and more than that, I trust my own body. And while we are at it, if you are not going to say something supportive, please don't speak. I do not wish to hear any negative thoughts at this time." That didn't go over too well either, I recall getting hung up on a few times, but I was already in fierce protective mode and I was ready to stand guard over all of it, my experience, my body and my child.
I was committed to a natural water birth at home the way I had committed to getting pregnant, fiercely! If anyone said anything to me negative, I basically cast them out. I slept in meditation with Bellaruth Naperstack's Healthy Pregnancy and Childbirth CD. It was on all night and day in headphones in my ears. I only listened to positivity and possibilities. I cast out all fear and anyone bringing me negative vibes.
On a side note, I did have the midwives of The Sanctuary on my side, and they prep for any situation or emergency. I trusted them. I was in good hands.
Fast forward to the day. My mother was there and the father of my child, but soon I would not even be "there". I recall going to the bathroom and then my mother coming to check on me, asking if I was ok, as I had been in there for some time. I didn't realize how long I was in there. Even now I don't recall. My mother drew me a warm bath and I got in, as I laid on my side in the tub, staring at the white side of it, my iPhone which was sitting on the side of the tub, slipped into the water and lay beside me. I looked at it, having no "feelings" about it at all. I observed. Detached from feelings. When my mother returned from calling the midwives she saw my phone and immediately picked it up and had definite feelings about it! Haha! But I did not, I only observed. I was entering Labor Land. I have never heard of Labor Land until about a week later. Labor Land is the trancelike state a woman goes into when giving birth and allowed to just be. It is a place of pure magic.
I moved from my bathtub to the birthing tub at the foot of my bed. The water was warm and the floor of the tub thick and soft, perfect. Now this is the part, the magical part, the part I had been preparing for with all my guarding and fierceness of mind. Now.
I remember looking out the window at the sun, just starting to come over the swaying tree tops, speckled light dancing on the lawn. Then I had a strong pull inward and I was gone. I was in a tunnel of golden rings, concentric circles of bright glowing golden starlike patterns, oppositely rotating and simultaneously winding like a wormhole. It was beautiful, a shade of gold I can not quite replicate here although I have tried and tried.
I remained in this tunnel, occasionally opening my eyes and observing the room and my physical surroundings. I was on all fours in the tub, the water was cool, I was tired and yet continued. I wanted to ask for someone to hold me up, but I could no speak. I closed my eyes and was back on the tunnel. What felt like minutes later, I opened my eyes and observed that the sun was now on the other side of the yard, dropping down behind the house. Wow, how long had I been here? Must be hours. Close eyes. Gone. Into the tunnel of golden light.
I recall vaguely, as an observer and not the one involved, the midwives, checking on me and asking me one or two questions. I don't recall the questions, or if I answered. I was not in the room, I was out of my body and into the actual fabric of life that connects us all. I was on my way to the gates of life to pick up the spirit of my child.
The golden tunnel of light as I tried to put it on paper and explain it in mere human physicality terms. So inadequate.
The golden tunnel was rotating and worm-holing, and then opening up to bright white light, unlike any light here, pure and amazing. I took the hand of the shape in front of me, a smooth and softly shaped being of light, not a human hand, but a spirit hand. Moments later I heard "Okay pause, don't push. Just relax. " But my body was on auto pilot and was not taking direction from anyone, a huge contraction. I opened my eyes and was back in the room, very hazy, a bit confused. One of the midwives said in a soft voice, "Kristin, pick up tour baby." I thought, "What? What? A baby?" Pick up your baby. I looked down reached down into the water and sure enough there was something, I lifted the mass onto my belly and sat back a bit on the tub. I tried to understand what was happening. Where was I? Who was in this room? What was going on? I was quite oblivious.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We don't know. Look!"
I looked. Boy. "Boy!" I said as I tried to come back into my body, but at the same time really wanted to stay in that golden tunnel of light. "Look, he's looking at you!" I looked down into his face, looking up at me, and that was it. Bonded for life. The love began to flow. Flooding both baby and me with a cocktail of love hormones so powerful that I would remain "high on love" for the next 6 months straight. NOTHING could bring me down. I felt super human in love. It was so unbearable at times, reducing me to tears, overcome with joy. Nothing else mattered. I have never before or after felt that level of the power of LOVE!
My baby spent the next few days on me, with me, I didn't even let anyone else hold him. Even when my mother wanted to hold him, I asked her, "Do you love him?" . I wan't going to let her hold him unless she was sure that she did indeed love him. This most precious spirit that came back with me from the gates of life themselves. I was
And then, I understood so many more things than I had understood the day before.
I understood the power of our being more. I understood the fierce love of a mother for her child. I understood the fierce power of women, all women. And I now understand why our society is in a battle for birth. Disempowering mothers from having this kind of birth breaks the golden thread that ties us all together. It breaks the love cocktail, shatters it with interventions, and renders us lost souls, rubber gloved, easily controlled and manipulated. Cornered.
Later, when telling the story of our birth, women would ask me about pain, was it very painful? I wouldn't describe it as pain, it was more like exhaustion, being so very physically tired, but my body itself, just kept going. It just had a will of its own. It is made for this. Designed perfectly, beyond anything I could conceive perfectly. Imperfectly perfect. Truly perfect. My body was designed that way. So was yours beautiful woman!
I hope this story will help to restore in you a little faith in yourself, in the miracle that you are and the power you have within. I hope that you will read my birth story and retell it and make it your own truth. Empower yourself and your child to connect to the source of all and have a truly magical birth experience. Connected, with a love that surpasses understanding.
Aim for the stars when you prepare for your birth! Aim for the gold! Please, for the love of us all, please know that you were made for this, you are beyond capable! You are magical!
I wish you so much Pleasure in your journey!
~Kristin
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